


can't come alive

by orphan_account



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AU, M/M, au if neil had died after he was kidnapped, based on the song These Four Walls by Little Mix, i cried five times writing it, this is a very sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 13:16:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6806413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew didn’t know exactly what day it was. Days were just an endless cycle that he was expected to participate in, even though he now had no reason or wanting to. Everything was numb and endless and wrong, and Andrew really had no clue how to deal with it. He had let himself become so accustomed to Neil and wanting to live he now had no clue what to do without that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can't come alive

_**I feel so numb** _  
_**It's begun,**_  
_**The feeling that the end has come** _  
_**And now the water's cold** _

_**I tried to eat today  
But the lump in my throat got in the way** _

Andrew didn’t know exactly what day it was. Days were just an endless cycle that he was expected to participate in, even though he now had no reason or wanting to. Everything was numb and endless and wrong, and Andrew really had no clue how to deal with it. He had let himself become so accustomed to Neil and wanting to live he now had no clue what to do without that.

What he did know was that Neil’s funeral was two days ago, and Andrew still couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was one of the worst things he ever had to go to, even though only a small amount of people were there. Everyone around him was crying, almost all of the Foxes did, save for Aaron and Kevin. Abby and Bee did, even Wymack looked teary eyed, but Andrew didn’t cry. He couldn’t cry in front of them, because that counts as opening up and letting them in and the last person Andrew let in was Neil, and he was never doing that again. He probably can’t, some part of him isn’t capable of it. Letting Neil in, feeling so much for him, wasn’t intentional. Andrew didn’t catch it until it was too late, and now it doesn’t matter anyways.

No, he still hadn’t cried. Even when the FBI told them that Neil was in the hospital. Even when he walked through the hospital doors with his teammates, his cousin, his twin- his family. He knew when he came in there what happened, he knew it but he didn’t wanna believe it. He didn’t know how to believe it. How could he? Neil was the thing he had been hanging onto for so long, he didn’t know how to process that he was actually gone. Andrew still doesn’t know if he’s fully processed it. Andrew didn’t cry when the doctor told them what they already knew, either, that Neil was dead. He had died after getting into the hospital, due to extensive internal bleeding.

After the doctor said those words, Nicky and Dan immediately started to cry; Allison, Renee and Matt followed. Then Abby started to cry too. Aaron and Kevin just kind of looked like they were in shock- they slowly sunk down into chairs in the waiting room, and stared off into nothing. Andrew didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t register himself punching the wall, nor did he realize that he punched Matt after the nurses at the desk yelled at him to stop and that he would be escorted out and Matt had grabbed ahold of him because he wouldn’t stop hitting the wall. He didn’t regret punching Matt though, because Matt touched him and he didn’t let anyone touch him that wasn’t Neil.

_**In this time I've lost all sense of pride** _   
_**I've called a hundred times** _   
_**If I hear your voice I'll be fine** _

This is probably the hundredth time Andrew has called Neil’s phone. He knows Neil won’t answer. There’s no way he can. But sitting in Andrew and Kevin’s room on him and Neil’s bed- his bed, Andrew corrects himself- he can’t make himself not call. He has to hear Neil speak, even if it is just a generic message that is not meant for him especially.

Hearing Neil’s voicemail is almost enough to finally make Andrew cry but he doesn’t. His hands shake and he feels like he can’t breathe, but he still doesn’t cry.

The voicemail plays, “Hi, this is Neil, I guess leave a message after the beep. Yeah, bye.” followed by a beep and Andrew hangs up.

He doesn’t know why he keeps doing this every night since it happened. He doesn’t know how to stop, though. He doesn’t expect Neil to pick up, but he just wants something. The boy who wants nothing ends up wanting something, anything, from Neil. He wants to hear Neil say his name or hear him say some sarcastic, witty comment to Andrew just to rile him up. He wants Neil.

_**And I, I can't come alive  
I want the room to take me under** _

In the days after Neil died, Andrew dipped down into a really low mood, lower than just grieving, and it was hard to get a grasp on something that wasn’t that deep, unending sadness. When that happened before, he was always preoccupied, with someone else, be that Neil or Kevin or Roland, even, and he could distract himself from it, and then it would go away at some point and it would be okay, or as okay as Andrew could get, but now there is no Neil to make him mad and irritated almost all of the time, and all of the other Foxes had been giving him even wider space than they normally gave him. It was like he was on a completely different building than they were and they didn’t try to reach him, didn’t know what he would do. Granted, Andrew probably would have reacted violently if they had tried to talk to him about it or about anything, really. He almost hit Nicky for just looking at him at the funeral.

The truth: Andrew wanted to talk about it, but not with Bee or anyone else. He couldn’t talk to Bee anymore, he couldn’t talk to anyone. He wanted to talk about it with Neil but seeing as how that isn’t possible, he just doesn’t talk about it. He shoves it down, and by doing that it makes him more numb to everything. The world is so uninteresting to Andrew now that Neil isn’t in it. There is no reason for the world without Neil.

There is no reason for many things now that Neil is gone. Eating and sleeping are some of those things that have no reason anymore. Exy is another.

Exy is too much of Neil, it meant too much to him, so that means that everything to do with Exy has everything to do with Neil, and Andrew can’t stand that, but Kevin would never give up Exy and Andrew would never break his promise to Kevin so he can’t give up Exy either, no matter how much Andrew hates it. He hasn’t always hated it. After Neil, he even might’ve gotten close to feeling only dislike for it, but now, there is no hope of Andrew ever not hating it. Seeing the court, seeing the racquets, seeing Neil’s locker, it was too much. Not that Andrew could feel anything other than the endless numbness, wouldn’t acknowledge anything other than that, but it still stabbed at something deep in him. Exy was Neil, and Neil was gone, and now Andrew had to play Exy like it didn’t make him feel something he didn’t want to feel.

Andrew vaguely acknowledges that Kevin entered the room, and goes to his bed. Kevin doesn’t ask why Andrew is sitting on the bed holding his phone, and why he’s shaking. He doesn’t ask or say anything, which is for the best, because Andrew might’ve punched him, just for asking, just for pitying him. That’s all the Foxes have been doing recently is pitying him, even though they all try to hide that. They keep their distance, they don’t ask him anything and don’t ask anything of him, and they pity him. The pity is plain and evident on their faces and all Andrew wants to do is kill them all for it.

 **_'Cause I can't help but wonder_ **  
**_What if I had one more night for goodbye?_ **  
**_If you're not here to turn the lights off, I can't sleep_ **  
**_These four walls and me_ **

But Kevin says nothing, and Andrew lays down with his back against the wall and he wishes that Neil was here. He wishes for just one last memory with Neil, up on the rooftop or in Andrew’s car, driving wherever they want to go, just for the hell of it. He wants to drag Neil down with his hand on the back of his neck and kiss him with that same intensity and hardness that they share with every one of their kisses. He wants to hold Neil’s hand again. He thinks back to that first time they held hands, up on the roof, and he thinks about how he hasn’t been up there since Neil was alive. He thinks about their first kiss, on the roof again, and how he didn’t- wouldn’t- realize that Neil meant far more than just a random attraction. He thinks about Neil, even though he doesn’t want to. Andrew doesn’t want to just think about him, he wants him here with him, safe and alive.

And suddenly the walls around him are too small, too compressed. Something far inside Andrew, in a place that he never pays attention to, breaks. He has to get out of there so he goes to the one place he knows he can be alone. Out in the open, not closed in, on the roof of the Tower.

He climbs the stairs and shoves the door open and when Andrew is out there, he sits down on the edge, the place that holds so many memories of Neil, and he finally cries.

Everything breaks and everything is too much. Andrew is alone because he can’t let anything else in, Neil was the only thing left and now that is gone, there is nothing. He shut everyone out, pushed all of the Foxes and Bee away, pushed them away even further than they already were, until he was alone. He is alone, alone, alone and Neil is gone and there is no rhyme or reason to anything in the whole fucking world anymore.

Everything is numb, nothing means anything, if Neil isn’t here to give it meaning. And he isn’t here.


End file.
